Posts Tagged ‘ Skirt

Breasts, Body-Type, and You!

It’s true, I have no idea what it is like to have breasts, but as a happier observer of many years now I know what looks good and what looks terrible. The truth of the matter is, a lot of woman either wear rose-coloured glasses or the complete opposite, thinking that they look a lot worse than they really do. How can one ever dress to look good if they are not comfortable themselves with their own body. Too big? Too small? Never look good in the tops you own? You can always look good with what you wear, you just need to be wearing the correct clothing. If you have massive breasts try V-necks, or even better, a black V-neck, to split your breasts so they don’t look like one all-empowering mono-boob and the black, as any half intelligent person knows, to make you look a lot slimmer and smoother than you really are.

Then there’s the constant debate on stripes, yes no, only horizontal, only vertical? Dr. Peter Thompson, an expert in perception in York University’s psychology department state that after extensive blind tests it is in fact the horizontal stripes that make you look slimmer, not vertical ones. I do not know what images and what clothing he was using in his blind test but I have always found the opposite. Maybe it is the thickness of the stripes? Maybe colour has a contributing factor? I really do not know. What I do know for sure that if you are thin with small breasts and want to make them appear bigger stripes can be your friend. Bold horizontal stripes can make your chest appear a lot larger which is never a bad thing.

Also, don’t forget that how loose or tight your clothing is can make a big difference to the perceived size of your chest. Larger beasts should be accompanied with looser clothing as it helps to fade them away from the mind of anyone catching a glimpse of you. This also works in reverse for this with small breasts and frames.

Speaking of those ladies that may be less endowed, utilising tops with frills or a halter neckline are perfect for making your chest appear a lot fuller. While black isn’t a no-no, it will, like it does to those with a larger bust, make your chest look ‘slimmer’ which isn’t what you want. While the right bra is perfect place to start, do not get too carried away. Under-wire, push-up padded bras are perfect for giving your breasts the lift and exposure they need, but woman like to go overboard and even resort to wearing a larger cup size than they are and never realise when this happens to them. As a heterosexual male I can tell with no hint of dishonesty that this happens to you all the time and not one of us dares to tell you (it’s a perfect sign of an incorrect bra size – more on that later). Also, double-breasted jackets are a great way to enhance your chest and look stylish and keep warm (no, this isn’t a horribly executed joke, it’s true! Have a look next time you’re trying on jackets at your local whatever-store).

For those who have larger busts something simple like a frilly skirt or nice A-line dress can work wonders for you. And while the mini-Lizzies enjoy their double-breasted jackets, you should be looking for single breasted blazers and wear them unbuttoned where possible to further minimise your chest. Supportive bras are obvious but that doesn’t mean sports bras – wear these only when you’re working out, I can only imagine what they are you to your breast tissue and back.

Well, that is that! I know, you’re all going to whinge and moan that I have NO idea what I’m talking about and will mostly likely exchange tits for a DoS on my web log from /b/ but I know I’m on to something because of two things: one, if there is one things heterosexual and Atari men know it’s breasts – we spend far longer looking at all type of breasts than you could ever do in a lifetime; and two, ~80% of woman are wearing the wrong size bra. I am yet to find a woman who I have told this to, tell me that they are in the majority which means either, as far as odds and probability are concerned, I’m a damn lucky man, or you really don’t have as much an idea as you think, wish and hope that you did. On that letter point you NEED to read this blog entry by Eve of Eve’s Apples, blogger, producer and distributor of linguine who found out that she was indeed wearing the wrong sized bra (feel so high-and-mighty now :P).

So have a read, have a rethink and let’s all get along. (Now that I’ve told you how to dress feel free to do the same for me).

Pino…

Bows

If there is one thing a guy should never be associated with in regards to his own fashion is bows. What we do like to be associated with though, is cute girls wearing cute bows. Now I am well aware that I am incredibly feminine, but even with that psychological affliction of sorts, I still have no idea about lady’s fashion and so this next bit is purely from what I think is cute and in no way represent any kind of actual fashion advice.

Ami Clubwear (USD$27): Black Faux Leather Bow and Straps Heels - Ami Clubwear
Newport News (USD$59):Ruffled Bow-Trim Little Black Dress - NEWPORT NEWS
Journee (AUD$60):Anne Michelle by Journee Women's High-heel Boots - Overstock.com
Aspeed Designs (AUD$116):Aspeed Women's Red/ Black Pleated Skirt Party Dress - Overstock.com
Prada (in keeping with ridiculously overpriced crap from this company – USD$420):Prada black cutout patent leather bow flats - BLUEFLY
Mia (USD$30):Bow Tie - Gray - MIA
Jessica McClintock (USD$23):Satin Clutch Slope Flat With Bow And Rhinestone Buckle - Jessica McClintock
Fairy Goth Mother (I know it’s expensive, but it’s so CUTE – GBP£275):Amazing steel boned bustier corset with halter straps - Fairy Goth Mother
Valentino (wow, do the sweat shop kiddies see ANY of this money? – AUD$1039):Valentino Lace Bow Clutch - NORDSTROM
Ignite (AUD$62):


Pino…

*gaping mouth*

I know this is generally male orientated ‘fashion’ blog; I also know that it’s a male ‘fashion’ (I use fashion in quotes because it’s quite obvious that I have no idea about fashion past knowing all the words to the David Bowie song) blog that reports on cheap and affordable items of clothing; but sometimes you see something that makes you a) wish you were a woman, and b) had so much money to spare. The item in question is this:

In the words of Bowie, “Wham, Bam – thank-you you mam!”. At an ‘affordable’ £340, before shipping and the rest, it’s not something you’re going to be buying as the mood takes you (if it is than you either have way too much money to throw around or need to get some help – you have a problem). Luckily for those of you who live in the lovely UK you get awesome free shipping for items over £100, which is somewhat of a consolation I guess.

I know I make a lot of jokes on here in attempt to sugar coat my chronic cynicism and to cover up the fact that I really have no idea what I’m talking about, but I am deadly serious when I say that after looking through the catalogue at Fairy Goth Mother I really do wish I were a woman. Their dresses, corsets, lingerie, gowns and all items in-between are all cute and adorable, sexy and seductive, sensible and provocative, and sometimes all of these things at once.

Super full lined petticoat skirt and corset - Fairy Goth Mother Simply wonderful formal skirt in silk with bow detail - Fairy Goth Mother

For those of you who aren’t made of money there are some pretty impressive savings on the older items (some by £200 alone) found under the clearance section of the website. So much sigh, so much sigh.

Pino…